Year One as an Estranged Adult (Adoptee) Child

What I've learned about myself and how I move through the world

My last conversation with my adoptive mother is one I remember well. She called me somewhat out of the blue - at this point we were in occasional contact, a phone call every few weeks or a few texts each week. An unscheduled phone call was a surprise but I picked up on my way home from the gym. We chatted a bit and had our usual friendly but surface-level catch up conversation when she gave me an update on a family friend. I said something like “oh, that’s nice to hear” and the conversated moved to another subject before it was over and we hung up. Less than 3 minutes later she called me back, this time with accusations of me “already knowing” the family friend news. I guess my mildly interested reaction didn’t seem surprised enough, adoptive mom went on and on about how I was lying about already knowing before we ended our conversation once again.

I was previously used to her unwarranted and bizarre accusations, but since moving out years prior they had become less frequent. Adoptive mom would frequently needle for any reason to accuse me of some sort of wrongdoing. This conversation wasn’t even one of the worst. But it was my last straw.

After hanging up the second time, I just remember thinking to myself “I don’t want to do this anymore”. And so I didn’t. I had known for a while that adoptive mom and I were not friends and never would be. I believed our strained, empty “mother and daughter” relationship could be decently maintained indefinitely. But on my drive home that evening I had to finally tell myself the truth - I was not related to this woman, and so had no reason to be loyal to her. We had never bonded or truly warmed up to each other, so no affection was lost on my end. Our relationship had no practical benefits to it either. Adoptive mom wasn’t financially supporting me in any way, and never had. In 3 years not a single member of my “family” had ever bothered to travel 60 miles to visit me. There was rarely any in-person quality time, just strained, uncomfortable phone calls that always left me breathing a sigh of relief when they were over. I realized I did not like this woman I used to call mom. So it was time to move on.

That was a year ago. We have not spoken since, and haven’t seen each other in person in what will be 2 years in a few months. Adoptive dad passed in 2019, leaving only Amom and my half brother as my only real “family”. I maintain a distant relationship with my brother, we exchange a few texts a year. It’s difficult to stay in contact with one another for other reasons I may expand on at another time, but not because of negative feelings towards each other.

Estrangement from not only parents, but any family at all has left me at a strange place in the world. Holidays and my birthday being the most obvious sources of emptiness but those aside being estranged is highly lonely on the most typical of days. Seeing or hearing of my friends interacting with their own families feels bizarre and foreign. It was just a few years ago I really woke up to the reality that other adults tend to have good or at least ok relationships with Mom and Dad - I thought everyone was distant and unattached to the people holding those titles in their lives. I will hear a friend mention calling their mom for advice, or Dad to stop by and help address a handiness job in their home, or making plans to celebrate a siblings birthday and think to myself how strange that must be. I can’t remember the last time I ever had family obligations. That is not really a thing that has ever been a factor in my adult life. Even before going no contact, we were never closely-tied. Interacting with the everyday world is a constant reminder of my status as an estranged adult child.

The emotional emptiness and sense of disconnnectedness is not the only empty space. Functionally, family ties serve a purpose that I do not have access to. If I get sick or injured, I have no one to rely on. About a month after going no-contact, my car broke down while on an out of state trip. I had no one to call and no one to help. I managed to get myself back and forth to address my car issues, but it was a few very expensive uber trips and a lot of self-reliance later. The ordeal made me realize how alone I was. I have no family member or parent who will send me quick cash in an emergency. I have to get it myself. I no longer have any relative who calls just to check in on me. I check in on myself several times per day. If I ever get married, it’s likely I will have no family present at the ceremony. I have no support system, emotionally or tangibly. I am my own support system.

This year of no-contact has helped me understand a bit more about the nature and hierarchy or human relationships. For so long I’ve wondered why I was always feeling like my many wonderful friends cannot show up for me in the way I try to show up for them. I came to understand that I am just not a priority person in anyone’s life. That doesn’t mean I don’t have people who love and care about me, I do. But most people naturally have a hierarchy of who they prioritize in life with their family unit and blood relatives at the top. Partner or spouse tends to be second. Then friends. Most people naturally, have the most loyalty of sense of responsibility to their families. I mentioned in my first blog that I am currently no one’s family or partner, so it’s just not realistic or possible to expect anyone in my life to prioritize me. This is not an understanding I am bitter about, its human nature. I have had to learn over and over again in new ways how to prioritize myself and act with my own sense of self-preservation because there is not familial net to catch me if I fall.

A tricky part I’m still working at is navigating the topic in casual conversations. Obviously family is a typical subject of discussion for most people. When it comes up on a first date, I’m still not sure how to explain the situation 1) briefly 2) with an air of lightheartedness 3) in a tone that says I don’t want to elaborate. I’ve had a few dates visibly recoil when I mention I have no family I’m really in contact with. When asked what my plans are for the holidays, people are thankfully sympathetic but confused and sad on my behalf, which I’m not sure I want. It’s an uncomfortable topic. I’m still learning how to make sense of it in conversation.

I have found and still am looking for communities of other people like me. I know my exact situation (adopted, raised in a abusive home, estranged) is pretty niche but I’m not entirely alone. There are lots of estranged adult children out there with the practice being a bit of a trend - plenty of millennials have cut off their toxic or abusive parents. Other people like me have only woken up to some abusive patterns in out childhood as adults, and worked up the capability to stand up for ourselves and cut ties. I’m proud of myself and of anyone else in a similar situation who is choosing themselves. Doing so requires a lot of resilience and introspection on feelings not everyone experiences.

I currently have no plans to re-connect with my adoptive mom. But we’ll see what the future holds. Year one of estrangement has been heartbreaking, lonely, and despondent, but necessary for insight. I hope the years ahead are warmer and offer healing.